A fortnight's rest for the Tigers yields its usual result - bizarre tactical cock-ups and a Premier League thumping.  This time it a fine Everton side that benefit.

Report by Mark Gretton.

Some reports pretty much write themselves. Sometimes, by contrast, it's hard to know what to write. Uniquely, in my experience, Sunday's game seemed to lead to both states, as a smallish crowd from Hull watched numbly as City hurtled to disaster like a pram down a stairwell. I don't think, in all honesty, that hopes were high amongst the travelling faithful - a record of one League win since the defeat of West Brom in October 2008 tends to induce a certain realism if you've been at most of the games in the ensuing 17 months and once we got the team news anyone thinking we might nick a point concluded that we probably wouldn't - but the pain and embarrassment of the day was still on the horizon. We took seats that provided for this spectator a Goodison Park first - a view of the pitch - and watched as we lined up:

Myhill
McShane Zayatte Mouyokolo Kilbane
Garcia Bullard Boateng Cairney Barmby
Zaki

So, a 5 man midfield only one of whom can tackle looking to supply one forward who is either unfit or lazy or both in front of a defence that looks increasingly shell-shocked. Excellent. There were rumours that Dawson, not even making the bench, was unwell. Whether this was so or not, it's hard to blame the manager for not selecting him after his continuing downward spiral culminated in the x-rated horror show at West Ham. It is, though, much easier to blame the manager for landing us in a situation where our only alternative is Kevin Kilbane.

To be fair, nothing really went wrong for the first 5 minutes and Nick the Nonpareil buzzed forward intelligently on the left and Bullard nipped around brightly in the middle and it all looked faintly promising, particularly when Barmby put in a peach of a pass right into the path of Garcia who, one on one with the alarmingly advancing Tim Howard, perhaps understandably, didn't control the ball well enough.

Everton had rather watched this rather politely, good hosts that they were, but then decided to play a bit of football and we, equally well-mannered, stood off them allowing Arteta to find his shooting boots as he twice spannered it wide under no pressure. We extended this courtesy to Yakubu who, not for the last time, slid through our defence and, again not for the last time, fell apart when in sight of goal, as he rolled it past a static Myhill and onto the post. No matter, as on 19 minutes Yakubu wandered wide left, ignored McShane and crossed it to the backpost for Arteta to slide in and bundle it past Myhill, If you wondered where our left back was, so did Nicky, fruitlessly tracking back before having words with Kilbane stood in the middle looking at his fingernails as though it was nothing to do with him and in truth it really hadn't been. 1-0

It looked as though the ship might sink completely for a few minutes as Pienaar on their left and Anichebe on their right suddenly woke up to just how inept were our fullbacks. Baines out of his depth for England in the week found all this much more to his liking and charged forward past McShane before crossing. Yakubu miscontrolled but was hit by Zayatte and penalty was the shout.And the decision. In truth it looked harsh, but Yakubu, his confidence draining as he shuffled up to the ball, struck the penalty low but close enough for Bo to effect the save. Suddenly we woke up to the fact that we were still only one goal down and Nicky got on the end of a McShane cross but could only direct a header down. Next we won as freekick, Bullard pulled it over, Garcia leapt and it broke on the bounce to Cairney who took one nudgy little touch to both subdue the ball and line it up and then struck it regally with his left, like a David Gower cover drive, past Howard for a memorable first premiership goal. 1-1, game on!

Not really. Nicky was having his best half of the season and rolled back the years with a tenacious run and cross that Zaki was too hopeless to control, but this was enough to rouse the Toffees from their torpor and Anichebe raided down our left, evaded the useless Kilbane and the late covering Boateng and crossed for Pienaar, under no pressure at all, to backheel to Arteta who calmly passed it past Myhill. In truth, it was a very pretty goal, the sort you can score if no-one's bothering to put you under any serious pressure. 2-1. The Scouse gits were now starting to enjoy themselves and fizzed the ball around mesmerizingly before Mouyokolo whipped the ball off the toes of Yakubu who understandingly looked astonished at seeing a defender so close to him. Half time saw us just about still in it at.

Second half and Everton came at us, perhaps inspired by the half time greats parade featuring that immense prannock Anders Limpar and a lumbering behemoth that turned with audible creaks in the centre circle and was identified as Bob Latchford. It seemed unlikely- Latchford never used to move at all when he was a player in the seventies and the worst England centre forward in history even counting Mark Hateley - but such was apparently the case. Everton soon had the ball in the net but the referee, spotting that it was Yakubu, wisely disallowed it. Back they came through Anichebe who crossed for Jack Rodwell (on for Osman) and we scrambled it away for a corner that led to goal number three, and what a fine pratfall it turned out to be. Comedy, we are told, is all about timing and it was wonderful to see Myhill run around under the cross like a fielder under a skyer before deciding to flick it over his head. Even then all may have been well, had not Garcia, stood virtually on Myhill's heels, allowed it to bounce off his head and in. Great stuff, and good to see Kilbane behind Garcia, presumably to make sure that he got the vital touch if Garcia didn't get it done. 3-1 and game over, recognised by the manager as he withdrew Barmby and Bullard for Geovanni and Altidore. Both subs had time for cameo shockers. Do you remember Brown saying in September that Geovanni was the heart beat of the team? I do, but I can't think either of them does. Geovanni gave a dreadful, uncommitted and disinterested display allowing us to seethe at a) his pitiful lack of professionalism b) the terrifying amount of money we are wasting on his contract and c) the manager's inability to coax anything like a performance from his most gifted player. Altidore's confidence may have collapsed due to the messing about he's had since he started to look a player against Chelsea and Man City, or perhaps he's just reverting to a default position known as "being not very good." Equally possibly, the manager charged him to go on and produce a performance worthy of Bob Latchford and if this was the case, the message went home beautifully.

Everton ignored it all and kept going forward. Pienaar broke thrillingly and found Rodwell who was bundled off it. Just how easy it was becoming became clear as centre back Distin carried the ball 50 yards and then shot well for Myhill to save. Following an abysmally mishit freekick Yakubu charged upfield scattering defenders everywhere and with 2 colleagues screaming for a pass inevitably shot and inevitably missed. Another move upfield resulted in an Anichebe shot being well saved. Sat down watching play up at the other end City fans were permanently twisted in their seats, as Everton brought on Landon Donovan causing our defending to deteriorate further, something I wouldn't have thought possible. Donovan trotted over to a position to the right of the penalty area, spotting that Kilbane had wandered off somewhere to pick daisies, and didn't really shift from it. He was there when Yakubu broke forward again, exchanged passes with the American and then wellied over from 8 yards. Next Pienaar opened us up on our right and crossed for Rodwell. He missed it, as did the three defenders in his vicinity, Kilbane doing an embarrassing playground waving of a cocked leg at it and allowing it to run to Donovan on his spot who thumped it home for 4-1. Still it went on, another break, another pass to Donovan standing on his own who had plenty of time to cross it for Rodwell to finish. 5-1 and, thankfully, just about time to go home.

This was embarrassing. They could have had 10. Rodwell could have had a hat trick yesterday and will in future score many goals, probably for Liverpool or one of the Manchester teams. Yakubu might have had 6. There were no positives. Bullard was back, Barmby had his moments, Cairney had his goal but this was as part of a midfield that surrendered the ground to their opponents and refused to tackle. You'd think even Brown would realise that his formation was a disaster, but experience had shown that such a realisation is by no means inevitable. Boateng had his poorest game for some time, Garcia was out of his depth, Zaki looked as likely to score as he looked likely to grow a third tit and surely must realise that flinging himself to the ground every time a defender casts a determined glance in his direction is not going to work. Mouyokolo and Zayatte seemed terrified of what was going on around them and I don't blame them as Myhill is starting to look as though the constant barrage he's had to withstand is taking his toll and McShane is the worst right back in the league. I've sat for five minutes staring at the screen trying to think of a way to sum up the sheer misery, incompetence and ineptitude of Kevin Kilbane on Sunday, but I haven't found it. Reader, words have failed me and so, sadly, I have failed you. Apologies.

Still, all is not lost, as wiser heads have reminded us. Everton were excellent, fast, fluid, incisive. We won't see a side like that for some time, probably not before Saturday anyway when Arsenal mosey into town. And Burnley and Wolves look very unlikely to get many more points, apart from those that one or both of them will get when they play each other this weekend. It might look properly ugly by Saturday evening, as the games tick, tick, tick away from us.

I keep hearing that there are three sides worse than us in this division. If that's so, I wouldn't want to be watching them. I see that someone was counselling calmness because we are just where he expected us to be. Well, at the start of the season when I realised what team we were likely to have, I thought we'd be where we are now - that is, waist deep in a swirling morass of shit - but it doesn't give me the comfort it seems to give him. Sunday was unremittingly, inexcusably dreadful and we need to improve beyond all recognition.

HULL CITY (4-5-1): Myhill; McShane, Mouyokolo, Zayatte, Kilbane; Garcia, Bullard, Boateng, Cairney, Barmby; Zaki.  Subs: Geovanni (for Barmby, 60), Altidore (for Bullard, 62), Vennegoor of Hesselink (for Zaki, 69), Olofinjana, Ghilas, Cooper, Duke.

Goals: Cairney 32

Booked: Garcia

Sent Off: None

EVERTON: Howard, Heitinga, Baines, Distin, Jagielka, Neville, Pienaar, Osman, Arteta, Yakubu, Anichebe.  Subs: Rodwell (for Osman, 45), Donovan (for Anichebe, 70), Gosling (for Pienaar, 86), Yobo, Nash, Bilyaletdinov, Hibbert.

Goals: Arteta 17, 39; Garcia (og) 51; Donovan 82; Rodwell 86

Booked: None

Sent Off: None

REFEREE:    L Mason

ATTENDANCE: 34,682